If you habitually find yourself falling into any of these emotional or psychological spaces – fear, anger, indifference, lack or shame – you can be pretty sure that you’re dealing with your shadow. (By the way, did you notice it’s an acronym for FAILS?)
The good news is that alongside every manifestation of the shadow lies an opportunity for growth, waiting to be revealed…
With FEAR, comes COURAGE
We’re all familiar with the feeling of fear. It may manifest as suspicion, anxiety, or anticipating the worst that could possibly happen. Many of our fears reside at the level of thought rather than something that is a real concern. Once that thought becomes a feeling, we then loop back into the realm of fear-based thought, and we can find ourselves in a vicious cycle.
One of the best antidotes to fear is… Courage! The root of the word courage is ‘cor’ – the Latin word for heart – which asks us to shift our energy and attention from what’s going on in our mind, back into our body.
If you’re a coach or a therapist, one of the most powerful things you can offer to your clients (and yourself) is your embodied breath. The simple act of breathing together can support your clients to relax into their bodies and in doing so, approach the challenges they face with a with a greater sense of courage.
Operating from your own embodied space as a coach will also shift the energy in a way that supports your clients to drop out of their mind and deeper into their body.
Transmuting ANGER through COMEDY
When we feel angry or aggressive, it’s usually because we’re trying to force things towards a particular outcome. Anger by its very nature is only interested in itself, which is a common factor of all shadows to a significant degree. So what can do to turn our clients frown upside down?
One way to transmute anger is by offering a new perspective. Comedians are brilliant at finding the lighter side of our shadows by seeing them in a different way. When we laugh, we feel a sense of liberation because it moves the energy from one state to another, rather than keeping it stuck. Rather than simply dissociating from it, we’re able to see our issues from a distance in a way that allows us to not take it so personally.
This doesn’t mean you have to turn into a comedian for the sake of your clients, but it does offer an opportunity for your client to find their own new perspective on any given situation.
Fighting Indifference with Compassion
‘I’ stands for Indifference. This is where we dissociate from others (or ourselves). We may put up a wall of silence or stop engaging with someone entirely. This can become very toxic, leading to apathy and disassociation from our felt sense of life.
This can also include indifference to our own feelings and experiences, for example believing that “nobody values me enough” or “I don’t value myself enough” to contribute, share or be around others.
One of the best remedies for indifference is compassion. The word compassion literally means to ‘suffer with’, or in the case of a coach, to enter into the world of another. There are many questions we can use to gently unfurl what might be really going on for our client at a deeper level, but what’s most important is that we hold space for whatever comes up with the deepest of care and compassion.
Experiencing Lack? It’s time to Get Creative!
The next manifestation of our shadow is Lack – the feeling or belief that “I am not enough”, or “I don’t have enough”. Not enough confidence, not enough skills, not enough friends, not enough money… The list goes on!
In this space of lack, we often look for what’s NOT there to find reasons NOT to do things for ourselves. This can also lead to blame towards others.
The antidote? Our ever-present creativity!
When we focus on what we CAN do and therefore what we CAN create due to the resources we DO have access to, a lot can change. For example, we may not have money, but we might have connections, or perhaps we have time or energy to offer others in order to co-create a solution to what we need or want.
Lack can feel like life is against us, but sometimes, stripping back to the basics is what often allows us to see the jewels that lie within us and around us. Just think of Buddha! Ridding himself of all his earthly possessions – from money to shelter to status – meant that he had plenty of space for creativity to enter, or in his case, to become fully enlightened!
Healing Shame through Connection
According to Brené Brown, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world, causing us to hide, pull back, and stay in our own space.
The Cave of Shame can be a loathsome place, and although it may feel like the last thing that a person experiencing shame would want, the best remedy is… connection.
Connection occurs when people feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from a relationship. It can be tough to reach out for connection when we are feeling shame. This is where courage and vulnerability are required. Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.
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As you can see, what is beautiful about all five of these manifestations is that they are signalling us towards a great opportunity to connect deeper with ourselves and deeper with our clients.
We’d love to hear from you: What shadows are your clients experiencing right now? And how have you been able to turn them into opportunities for transformation and growth?